


In Which John Pulls the Ultimate Prank

by saintjoy



Category: Homestuck
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-09-21
Updated: 2012-09-21
Packaged: 2017-11-14 17:25:17
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 788
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/517709
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/saintjoy/pseuds/saintjoy





	In Which John Pulls the Ultimate Prank

\--carcinoGeneticist [CG] began trolling ectoBiologist  [EB]  at 8:06--

 

CG: YOU AREN'T FUNNY, JOHN.

EB: hehehe.

CG: I AM SERIOUS, I WILL END YOU.

CG: I CANNOT BELIEVE YOU WOULD SINK THIS LOW.

CG: I REALIZE THAT YOU ARE SOMEHOW POSSESSED BY THIS GAMING ABSTRACTION CALLED A PRANKSTER'S GAMBIT THAT YOU REALLY SHOULD BE GOING TO A THERAPIST THAT ISN'T LALONDE FOR BUT THAT DOES NOT MEAN YOU ARE ALLOWED TO PULL SOMETHING AS HORRIBLE AND DISGUSTING AS THIS.

CG: OUT OF ALL THE RIDICULOUS, HUMILIATING, DEGRADING AND FRUSTRATING PRANKS IN THAT GIGANTIC FUCKING TOME YOU CARRY AROUND EVERYWHERE LIKE THE NOOKSUCKER YOU ARE, THIS IS THE ONE THING YOU DECIDED TO PULL ON ME, KARKAT FUCKING VANTAS.

CG: TO THINK I ACTUALLY HARBORED A BIT OF RESPECT OF HOW YOU TOOK SO MUCH PRIDE IN WHAT YOU LOVED TO DO, NO MATTER HOW MUCH IT ANGERED PEOPLE SUCH AS ME AND HOW MUCH IT MADE YOU LOOK LIKE AN ASSHOLE AND HOW MANY TIMES I TOLD YOU IT WAS FUCKING STUPID AND YOU SHOULD JUST GIVE UP AND QUIT.

CG: TO THINK I RESPECTED THAT YOU GAVE A FUCK ABOUT SOMETHING AND WERE ACTUALLY GOOD AT IT. EVEN IF THE "IT" IS SOMETHING INFURIATING AND ASININE AND POSSIBLY THE WORST HOBBY OUT OF EVERY BAD HOBBY YOU COULD HAVE EVER CHOSEN.

CG: BUT NO. ONCE AGAIN, THE LITTLE RESPECT THAT YOU ACQUIRED FROM ME HAS SHRIVELED BACK INTO A WITHERING PILE OF ASH AND SOOT WHERE A SHITTY LITTLE SAPLING ONCE WAS.

CG: DO YOU KNOW WHAT IT WAS BURNED BY, JOHN?

CG: IT WAS BURNED BY MY FIERY RAGE THAT IS CURRENTLY EXTENDING ITS TENTACLE FLAMES TO CAPTURE YOU IN IT AND BROIL YOU ALIVE UNTIL YOU ARE GOLDEN BROWN AND READY TO BE FED TO RABID NUT CREATURES.

EB: that sounds slightly erotic.

CG: ...  

CG: FUCK WHAT I SAID BEFORE, I THINK YOU HAVE GONE SO FAR OFF THE DEEP END INTO THE ABYSS OF FUCKING INANITY THAT LALONDE'S HEART WOULD STOP AT THE SIGHT OF YOU.

CG: IT IS CRUCIAL THAT YOU TALK TO HER ABOUT YOUR BESTIALITY AND MASOCHISM KINKS AFTER I'M THROUGH WITH YOU, BECAUSE GOD ONLY FUCKING KNOWS — AND I REMIND YOU THAT I *AM* YOUR FUCKING GOD — I AM NOT DRESSING UP IN A FURRY BEAST OUTFIT AND TYING YOU TO A BED POST TO PLEASURE YOU AND YOUR FUCKED UP FETISHES.

CG: SHIT WHAT AM I EVEN SAYING NOW.

EB: implying that it's your responsibility to pleasure me?

CG: OKAY YOU NEED TO SHUT THE FUCK UP AND PUT THOSE EYEBROWS DOWN RIGHT NOW.

CG: NOW.

CG: I CAN FUCKING SEE YOU.

CG: YOU ARE RIGHT ACROSS THE HALL FROM ME, LAUGHING YOUR LITTLE DAMN HEAD OFF WHILE LEAVING ME TO DEAL WITH THIS DISGUSTING MESS YOU HAVE LEFT FOR ME AS YOUR IDEA OF A HILARIOUS PRANK.

CG: FUCK YOU, JOHN FUCKING EGBERT.

CG: I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHAT IS KEEPING ME FROM GOING OVER TO THAT STUPID PINK BLISTER YOU CALL A FACE AND COUPLING IT WITH MY RAGING FIST.

CG: MY CLAWS WILL GET MARRIED TO YOUR TOO BLUE EYES I DON'T EVEN KNOW HOW SOMEBODY'S EYES ARE ALLOWED TO NATURALLY BE THAT BLUE IT'S RIDICULOUS AND IT REALLY SHOULD BE ILLEGAL BUT STILL THAT WILL NOT STOP THE VIOLENT AND SOMEWHAT HARMONIOUS MARRIAGE OF THE TWO UNTIL THE END OF TIME.

CG: WHICH, AS A MATTER OF FACT, IS SOMETHING THAT MAY OR MAY NOT BE FAST APPROACHING US AND WE SHOULD STOP OVER FUCKING EACH OTHER AND GET BACK TO MORE IMPORTANT MATTERS, WHICH IS NOT PRANKING SUPPOSED FELLOW FRIENDLEADERS. 

EB: ...

CG: WHAT COULD IT POSSIBLY BE N

CG: HOLY SHIT I MEANT FUCKING EACH OTHER OVER.

CG: YOU KNOW WHAT I MEANT, YOU SHITSTAIN OF ALL SHITSTAINS.

EB: suuuuuuuure you meant that, karkat.

EB: you totally aren't rambling about how beautiful my eyes are and blushing as you read this. 

EB: i can see you from across the hall, too, dude.

CG: FUCK OFF YOU BULGELICK.

CG: NOW WHAT WAS I ABOUT TO SAY.

CG: RIGHT. FUCK YOU TO HELL FOR ALL OF ETERNITY.

CG: WHAT HAVE YOU EVEN DONE TO ME. 

CG: WHERE THE FUCK DID YOU EVEN GET THE MATERIALS TO DO THIS.

EB: aw, come on, it's not that bad.

EB: you kinda look cute as a blonde :)

CG: YOU BETTER HOPE ON YOUR ASS THAT THIS HOOFBEASTSHIT IS REVERSIBLE.

CG: WAIT WHY THE FUCK ARE YOU COMING OVER HERE

CG: EGBERT.

CG: JOHN.

CG: WHY AM I EVEN TYPING NOW YOU'RE AWAY FROM THE COMPUTER.

CG: WHAT ARE YOU...

CG: MMMMFFPROEFIHVFLJOEQNIE

 

\-- carcinoGeneticist [CG] ceased trolling ectoBiologist [EB] at 8:32 --

\-- carcinoGeneticist [CG] began kissing ectoBiologist [EB] at 8:33 --


End file.
